Nothing more, nothing less
by mkras
Summary: They were just friends. To all the world and to themselves, that’s all they could ever be. SN


The ending is AU, as are certain parts – C/B aren't very significant (I guess I'm going more with the books in that sense) and Serena's reason for leaving Aaron. Enjoy.

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**Nothing more, nothing less**

They were the causalities of the war. Sometimes hated, occasionally oblivious, and often pitied, they were the people who loved those who didn't love them back. If their fate were only unrequited love, things would be simple. It's the fact that those whom they loved so much only pretend to feel the same way that really cut deep. The quest to do the right thing, the motivation to hurt as few people as possible, has led all of them through a path of unhappiness. Many of them were happy for a time, or at least believed that they were, but it was never an honest happiness. Trying to make yourself feel something you don't and ignoring the feelings you do have only brings discontent. It could be slow in happening, but resentment will build up, and one day the truth will be exposed.

The tragic causalities were never stupid or naïve. Their only fault was in their daring to hope. In believing the words spoken instead of the emotion hidden, they have been led to their destruction. Everyone wants to feel loved, and if you want something badly enough, your mind plays tricks on you. So they took the lies and accepted them as truth, embracing the façade of the fairy tale soul mate they always wanted. Somewhere in their hearts, they probably knew on a level that something was off. The way he always seemed to have a closer bond with her instead of you. The way her eyes lit up every time his name was mentioned, even if you were standing beside her. Oh, the causalities knew. Doubt would creep into their minds every time they let their repetitive self-assurances stop. Always, they pushed away the doubts. But at the end of the day, even when they were held closely in the warmth of their lover, the little insecurities would creep back in, only to be forgotten by morning.

It was a romance that every one of them saw in the beginning of it all. They were so plainly meant to be. But somehow, when circumstances pushed them away from each other, people conveniently forgot and moved on. Letting themselves think that the feelings were gone.

Blair, Dan, Vanessa, Aaron… each one used and inadvertently hurt because of the foolish actions of two people who tried to avoid their deepest desires in order to protect the very people they were already hurting without realizing it.

She broke up Blair and Nate. Except at that point both of them were scared, intensely scared, of the strength of their love. The destruction that had already been wreaked discomforted them and they both turned from each other, vowing to stay apart. He went back to Blair and convinced himself she was the one, and before long Serena was firmly in belief of her emotion for Dan. They were safe now- both in committed relationships, both deeply in love with someone else. So what if his heart still sped up every time her hand accidentally brushed against him? So what if thoughts of him holding her still occasionally crept into her mind? Idle fantasies… they were too wrapped up in other people to possibly still have any feelings left over for each other.

They were drawn to each other. As impossible as they made it for their relationship to ever get a chance to grow, some how they still ended up in each other's company when things got really bad. When they were in the worst possible shape, they found themselves getting help from the only person who could deliver it.

They still kept away from each other as much as possible. Some how, he still found the time to help her whenever she needed it. Not directly, of course, that would be against his own personal rules of avoidance. He befriended Dan, and, subtly of course, guided him in the right direction. Nate had Blair and a big part of him wanted Serena to find happiness too. A more selfish part of him had hoped that if she obviously moved on and fell for Dan; his own aching for her would fade.

Then, he found out about Chuck and Blair and everything turned to shit. Mistakenly, he turned to Vanessa just as Dan and Serena broke up. Timing never was on their side.

However, it doesn't work out, between him and Vanessa that is and then it's summer and he's single and Serena's single and finally it seems like this might finally be their time. The summer was hard for them. With no one there to physically remind them that they were just friends, lines were blurred. The confusing feelings they had worked furiously to stamp out were creeping out again. Then, like everything, summer is soon over; old habits die hard as they go back to pretending again.

She finds solace in the shallow relationship with an artist to feel better. Nate doesn't seem to care. He has found Vanessa. Again. Her heart stopped when she thought that maybe, maybe, this time he wasn't pretending any more and he really did love Vanessa. Fleeing to her substitute, she believed she was happy with Aaron. She kept her feelings buried and boarded a plane. In another country she realized, and it was the first time her causality recognized that he was casuality.

When she returned, the epiphany she had had lay deeply, firmly hidden in her heart. She made other excuses, told lies that were undoubtedly believed.

Nate always was better at pretending than she was. He had stayed firm with Vanessa, and for all the world to see he was thrilled to be with her. He fought for her on more occasions than he could count. Never once did he allow himself to think that he was fighting for the wrong person. And he told Vanessa sweet words, made strong promises, voiced and showed emotions that moved her to tears, never seeing that he was telling Vanessa what he had never allowed himself to tell Serena. He thought he was doing the right thing, but all he was doing was twisting the knife in Vanessa's heart. She didn't feel the pain yet, but she would one day when it became undeniably obvious that she had been lied to.

And when that day inevitably came, it ended and to everyone but himself, he was heart broken. Then, suddenly it was Blair. Again.

Faking it means nothing when all the other person really wants is real emotion. If you just don't feel that way towards them, it would be better to say it and move on then to act like you do. This wasn't a concept Serena and Nate understood yet. In their haste to be up righteous people, they failed to see how cruelly they were playing Vanessa, Aaron, Dan, Blair. Neither of the blondes would acknowledge the fact that they were using others as pawns to protect themselves from feeling like bad people. It was the right thing to do. They couldn't be together. But why, why couldn't they? They used Blair as a prime example of why they had to hide their feelings. Blair, her best friend, and his first serious girl friend. They both sacrificed so much in her name. She wasn't completely oblivious to their actions. She sensed their attraction but most people brushed off her suspicions as mere paranoia. Time passed and she found herself believing them when they told her they were only friends and nothing more. Time passed and the two closest people in her life let the charade go on for too long…left unchecked, Blair fell in love with him. He told her he felt the same and oh how he was glad at her joy, so happy that he was sparing her feelings. She was bursting with contentment, unaware that the two people in her life who were supposed to be just as happy were instead in a detached state of sadness.

Pawns, that's what they were. Innocent fools who made no mistake but following their hearts truthfully and diligently. They did what Nate and Serena couldn't do, they dared to care. Happiness constructed out of lies will never last long.

A day came when both knew.

Blair, who gave him her full heart and wanted to be his, only his. Blair, who put him through hell in making him prove his love for her, simply because she couldn't bear the prospect of losing him. She was so scared that she loved him more than he loved her, and she was always afraid of making the wrong move- the one move that would suddenly clear Nate's head and make him see just how much better Serena was for him than Blair could ever be. She was also good at pretending, but at a certain point, she couldn't any more. He was never hers, as much as he said otherwise. She never could get over the fact that he wanted Serena first. After every thing that happened, a fearful part of her wondered if he still wanted Serena first.

"One day, I'm going to marry you Blair Waldorf." Nate stated as he lay beside his girlfriend. Her large, dark eyes blinked up at him and she didn't say anything. A sad smile touched her lips and she knew it wasn't true.

They tried to love those who they could be with, they really did. At the end of the day, they still lied to themselves and told themselves that they were happy.

Serena's hand brushed against Nate's and his heart sped up. The image of Nate would spring into Serena's mind every time she let her mind wander. Nate caressed her hand and held it as they walked, side by side.

She looked at him and found that he was smiling at her. She had many pictures in her purse. Mostly of her family, one of her and Blair but none of Nate. It wasn't necessary. All she had to do to be reminded of him was close her eyes.

A promise ring for Blair sat in his back pocket. He believed he loved her.

The blonde beside him tightened her grip on his hand and slowed her pace. Their eyes met and then his head was bent, tilting towards her. She felt his dry lips crush against her lipstick covered ones and her arm wrapped around his neck as his dropped to her waist. They fit together like a puzzle and he realized how much he loved her taste. The kiss was fierce and heavy, he felt her nails dig into skin and she felt his arms press her closely against him.

And then her hands were out and she pushed him gently away from her. His hands released her and they resumed their walk in silence. There was no kiss. Just equal longing, a mutual fantasy shared by both.

He peeked at her out of the corner of his eye and she peeked back. Identical smiles slowly graced their lips and almost unnoticeably, except by them, their hands grazed again.

Blair beamed as he showed her the promise ring. Serena grinned along with her. But when Blair's head was turned in the other direction, the blondes found their eyes attracted to each other's like magnets. A sad smile on his lips. A sad smile on her lips. She fell back against his chest as his other hand clutched at Blair's. The soft stroke he fingered Serena's hair with went by unnoticed by Blair; she didn't see how his eyes told Serena every truth his heart knew. They had faked it for this long. And the only thing they could hold on to, the only thing keeping them sane, was their equal belief that this was necessary. This was right. So they played their pawns longer, torturing each other and everyone around them in the game they didn't want to be playing. His hand held Blair's and it would be Blair who he would be going home with that night. He looked at Serena and wished for a different reality.

Side by side the two sat on the couch. Blair left them for just a moment, and Serena desperately clung onto his hand as if he would fade away. He kissed her forehead chastely and when Blair came back he tried to stop himself from looking at Serena every few seconds. Their feet bumped into each other's. Every time he moved, she sensed it. Every word she spoke, he picked up on. Any time they touched, they both lost coherent thought.

They were just friends. To all the world and to themselves, that's all they could ever be.


End file.
